Awareness

Today I just sat and focused my awareness on my body, the sounds around me, and my thoughts.  My objective was to just be the "watcher." 

I also wanted to not try to force myself to focus but just be calmly aware.  I'm a "tryer" which doesn't work well with meditation.

A Little More Peace

I resumed my practice yesterday after about three days.  I had out of town company who were only going to be here a short time so I didn't take the time for meditation. 

I guess I could have gotten up before everyone else to meditate, but sleep is so precious to me and so necessary for my ability to function that I didn't even consider that solution.

So yesterday was a peaceful return to routine.  I'm finding the Zazen posture comfortable and helpful.  I'm lousy at counting, however.  I'm not sure it's the right method for me.

Dreams

Usually I'm distracted by thoughts about people, my to do list, etc.  But today I was distracted by the dream I had about my husband who left the earth in 2005. 

It was a lovely dream.  We were hugging and hugging and hugging because we hadn't seen each other in so long and were so glad to see each other. 

The happy feeling was with me through the whole 20 minutes.  I still managed to stay with the counting of my breaths more than I have previously.  Progress.

Quiet

Yesterday I got up late, had an appointment and did not meditate.  I chose instead to go to a meeting I like, thinking I would meditate when I got home.  But I didn't.  Took a nap instead.

Today I resumed my practice in the Zazen recommended position and practiced counting my breaths.  I felt very quiet and centered.

Counting

Another day of using the Zazen posture and counting my breath.  I managed to get all the way to ten a couple of times before my mind wandered.  But I love the new posture.  It does help to sit straight.

I checked out my body which was stiff and a little sore on the right side as it usually is.  It occurred to me to send healing to that side of my body since the Divine lives in me like it does in everybody and has the power to heal.

Tuning Up the Practice

Yesterday I decided to brush up on "how to meditate" by doing a little Google research.  I settled on a "Zazen" site (seated meditation) and decided to be a little more traditional.

I usually sit in a chair by my bed with my feet propped up on the bed.  This works because one of my legs was injured and doesn't cross like meditators do.  But according to the Zen meditation site, the way I've been doing it is not likely to work. 

So, I rearranged myself with my feet on a pillow, sitting straight up with my hands in the recommended position (both hands palm up, with the left hand cradled in the right hand, thumbs connected at the tip.) 

The recommended position for the head is straight up with the chin slightly tucked in.  They recommend keeping your eyes very slightly open.

I did my best to get in that position and maintain it.  That took quite a bit of my attention since I've not been doing it.  I found that keeping my eyes slightly open, looking downward without really focusing on anything was way too hard.  I will come back to that one.

They also recommended the practice of counting your breaths from one to ten and then starting over.  I'm not very good at that either, but today I worked on it. 

I read somewhere that checking out your body at the beginning of meditation is a good practice.  So when I did that today I found all sorts of achy spots and rearranged myself several times to get rid of them.  It seems to me that it would be a good idea to do that several times a day.

Ideas

I'm glad I've read a lot about meditation.  It keeps me from wanting to give up.  I think my experience is pretty normal.  My mind wants to think; not be quiet.  I just keep returning to my idea of sitting in God's light and making note of the ideas that come to me. 

Today I think I will call my friend who has lost 60 pounds and talk to her about what she's eating.  I've gained too much weight.

More Peaceful

Today I was feeling physically kind of crummy, but that seemed to help me in meditating.  I decided that I would just ask God for direction and watch my thoughts.  The thought that came was that I needed to take care of my body.  So that's what I'm going to do today.

Service

I just surrendered to my thoughts for awhile after asking God for direction.  And what came to mind was all the ways that I could be of service to some of the people in my life.  I've learned so much about how to solve my own problems that I have that to share. 

After I had thought up about a million things, I got tired and returned to counting.  However, I figure if I asked God for direction and those were the thoughts I had, I had maybe better carry them out.

Counting

Yesterday and today I was not feeling that well physically and wanted to not meditate and not focus and go back to bed.  I didn't go back to bed but I did have to work at focusing.  So I just counted breaths to ten and started over again. 

Today all my worries about my two youngest and the weight I'm gaining and the trouble I'm having with allergies came to mind.  I reminded myself of why I'm doing this meditation practice - so that I can deal with life on life's terms.  So...although I was not enlightened today or yesterday, I am still glad I sat.

Irritation

So today was not so hot.  I'm glad I've read a lot about meditation and so I know not to expect great things.  Today I was irritated that this one, little, puny human has to sit and wait for God to say something.  And as far as I know, God isn't saying a thing.

So I got irritated and told God that He/She could make a little effort.  I shouldn't have to work so hard since He/She was the one with all the power.  Didn't help.  So I just sat there with my irritation until the time was up.  Good thing the God I want to believe in has a sense of humor.

Mothers

Today I did my best to listen.  God is always speaking but I have to be quiet in my mind to hear.  I didn't hear much.  I always kind of have to guess.  But I did feel a little more quiet than usual.

What came to mind on Mother's Day was how much mothers need to be mothered.  It's a big job and many of us, like me, didn't have the tools to do it.  I know a lot of mothers like that now.

Who knows whether I hear God's instructions or not.  I will wait and see.

Instructions

I meditate in a chair by my bed and put my feet up on the bed.  So that my feet have a comfortable place, I straighten the covers first.  Today my "Twenty-Four Hours a Day" meditation book caught my eye and I opened it.  

I don't remember when but I had put a little card in the book that Unity sent me - instructions for prayer.
It's not really about prayer.  It's about meditation.  How about that?

According to the little card, there's a five step process:  1) Relax  2) Concentrate by turning your thoughts inward to a place of peace.  3)  Meditate by feeling the serenity of God's presence soothing your mind and body  4)  Focus on the silence  5)  Give thanks.

So I did my best and feel pretty peaceful at the moment.

Sitting in the Light

Today I again just tried to focus on sitting in the presence of God and listening.  I probably was a little more focused than I have been and so was a little more settled.

What I was aware of was a bright light through my eyelids.  I opened my eyes a couple of times to see if the sun had come out and was coming through the window.  But no, it was still cloudy.

It seems to me that what comes to my mind is service particularly service to children.  I have no idea what that's about except that Mother's Day is coming up.

Sitting in the Presence

Today I dispensed with the mantra and the counting and just kept focusing on sitting in the presence of God and "all that is."  I liked that a lot better.  I said some prayers for people I love and then for all beings. 

The time passed rapidly and I probably only wandered away a few times.  I came away with a little more peace than I usually do. 

Reverie

Today I got lost in a reverie about God and love.  I said my mantra a few times and then wandered into what God thought about politics. 

Since I think politics are sick and mean, I thought probably God didn't like them either.  Of course, then I thought I might not have a clue about what God thinks about.

Then I started wondering how love could be applied in politics.  That was interesting but a big strain.  Then the alarm beeped and twenty minutes was gone.  I'm not sure whether I actually meditated or not.

Sunday School

Today thoughts about what I learned in Sunday School were running through my mind.  Finally, I quit resisting and just let it happen.

Since I was raised by an adamantly atheist mother, it's odd that what I heard in Sunday School stuck with me at all.  All of the spiritual seeking I've done has been based on what I heard at the age of 4.  I believed it then and I believe it now.  It seemed to me then and now that the God I wanted would be the way they described to me.

God is Love, they said.  God loves us.  God wants us to not be so selfish but understands we're not perfect.  God forgives us.  God wants us to love each other.  God wants us to help each other - especially people who are down and out.  Sick people, poor people, children.  Even prisoners.  God wants to help us but we have to let him. 

Tracking Stray Thoughts

I had an idea this morning.  I thought I would try to track my stray thoughts as I sat.  So I took some paper and pen with me, held it in my lap and tried to remember to write down the distracting thoughts.

I also did the mantra - "May I be free from suffering; may I be at peace," - through the whole 20 minutes.  I counted to ten each time I said it and tracked it on my fingers.  That did help me stay focused on the mantra.

I'm not sure whether any of it helped me or not, but I did at least honor the efforts of my mind to remind me of things it wanted me to do.  My hope is that as I write them down, my mind will be less intent on making sure I remember!

Visualization

I am terrible at visualization.  From my studies about habit change and how to manifest my wishes, I know that visualization is a key.  Every athlete that succeeds in a remarkable way uses visualization.  I guess I could use meditation as a time to work on that.

However, I'm still stuck in the mind wandering phase.  Today my meditation seemed to be about food.  Maybe I will eat something before I meditate and see if that helps.  Yesterday I planned meals.  Today I just thought about what I ate yesterday. 

Also, today I did what I've heard experienced meditators do as they begin.  I checked out my body from head to toe to see how I was doing.  That's when I discovered I had a mild stomach ache and began to wonder what I had eaten that caused it.

I wholeheartedly believe that by consistently sitting for 20 minutes every morning I will benefit.  So...

Wandering Mind

For the past few days I've noticed that my mind seems to be wandering more than previously.  I'm somewhat entertained by what my mind wanders to.  Sometimes I want to laugh out loud at myself because what pops into my mind is so incredibly random. 

I manage to repeat "May I be free from suffering; may I be at peace." a very few times, and then I start wondering how I could get my friend to study the book, "Non-violent Communication" with me. And then I think about some ideas I have for a new vegetable soup and a new lentil soup.  I've been eating out more than I should because I haven't cooked anything.  And so forth.

Then I catch myself and return to repeating the affirmation.  When my mind wanders again I count my breath to ten and start again.  I get through about three of those repetitions and think about what I'm going to have for breakfast because I'm starting to get hungry.

Finally I remember my purpose in sitting and ask God for instructions.  That feels really good and I'm able to sit in God's light for a few seconds.  Then I remember that so far I've gotten no instructions because my mind wanders and I think about that for awhile. 

Then I look at the clock to see how much time is left of the 20 minutes.  Usually there's somewhere between three and five minutes.  So then I go back to sitting in God's light with a sense of urgency because my time is almost up.  And then it is up.

Beginnings

I have had a meditation practice off and on for the past 30 years.  Sometimes I was consistent for months, but I always wandered away from it for no particular reason.  Then there would be long periods without meditation.

I've read about meditation and tried various methods.  The main problem I had was that I would completely forget I was meditating and get up and do something.  Several minutes later I would remember but it was already too late.

For two or three years now I've been a fan of a blog called, "Zen Habits," written by a guy from Guam named Leo who has tried all kinds of things to change his habits to have a simpler, healthier life.  He has six kids so simplicity has got to be a challenge.  When he succeeds in changing something, he writes about how he did it.

Since changing my habits has always been a huge trial for me, I've been fascinated with what he says.  I'm probably not the only one since he has thousands of followers for the blog.  I've tried some of his ideas and they've really worked.  So, this year when he offered a $10 a month "change your habits, one every month" class, I signed up.

The first month was just on choosing something as your most important task for the day and committing to doing it even if for only 2 minutes.  The second month was increasing the quality of your nutrition.  I chose to have a smoothie every morning that contained my day's quota of fruit and vegetables.  The third month was establishing a habit of daily meditation. 

Each time we start a new month and work toward establishing a new habit, we start very small.  With meditation - 5 minutes the first week, 10 minutes the second week, 15 minutes the third week, and 20 minutes the fourth week.

Each month I've had a struggle but eventually got into the swing.  In March I missed one day because I was traveling and completely forgot.  But that was the only day I've missed.  In April (which was establishing the habit of exercising every day) I didn't miss a single day of meditation.  Yay!

Luckily I've read not to expect anything in particular to happen in the 20 minutes of meditation.  I know my mind will wander and to just bring it back into focus as soon as I notice it.  Sometimes it wanders for quite awhile before I notice it, but I don't worry about it. 

I settled on one concept for sitting:  Sitting in the presence of God, asking for guidance, and listening.  I usually begin by repeating an affirmation I learned from a book by Stephen Levine:  "May I be free from suffering; may I be at peace."  Sometimes I count to ten over and over to help myself stay focused.

Every day is a different experience.  It occurred to me that a log of each day's experience would be helpful to me and maybe someone else as well.  So, today at the beginning of my second full month of 20 minutes a day of meditation, I am logging what happens to my mind in that 20 minutes as well as anything else that happens in my life that seems to be related to meditation.